Now, in those days, in Poland, there was a law that said you couldn't publish or broadcast an alleged criminal's last name; nor could you publish or broadcast his photograph without adding a black strip over his eyes. Unfortunately, most of the alleged criminals who made the news were public officials or else otherwise famous people whose names and likenesses were universally recognized. Thus, your father had to be referred to in the press as Jesus H. - even though his father's name (which was Jesus's name as well) could be mentioned in the same sentence. This farce was well known to the public, but it gained new meaning when Jesus was released from jail and the black strip disappeared from over his eyes.

– Verse 199 from the chapter called Security

"These photographs," continued Stalin, "taken during the same meeting, show the two of them having an argument. If you watch the video, you can see how angry the two of them got. Now, the meeting lasted almost twenty minutes, and, aside from the money counting part, they were pretty much arguing the whole time."

"Who started it?"

– Verses 839-840 from the chapter called Security

Without license to buy more weapons, Jesus had to be very stingy. Not till he signed on with SECURITA did Jesus gain the privilege, thanks to that security firm's contract, of being able to buy whatever he wanted (which the firm even tried to subsidize, but Jesus, more often than not, paid from his own pocket, which prevented his so-called superiors from requisitioning his equipment). In fact, it was during his first few months of tenure with SECURITA that Jesus found Baron Cohen-Krupnik with bullets in his head. Through a fluke, he was the first one to arrive at the crime scene. The landlord who had rented Baron the apartment also happened to be an old friend of Stalin's. Jesus was able to take photographs, which he later used to convince your mother, Zoe Guderian, that her fiancé's family was not up to snuff, not that she ever thought they were (for various reasons), but, after seeing poor Baron with bulletholes in his head (someone she had once had the displeasure of socializing with), she was convinced, despite her better judgment, to continue her relationship with Sacha Cohen-Krupnik, just so she could spy for your father, which she did, with painstaking effort, going so far as to marry the bastard, which your father deeply regretted.

– Verse 420 from the chapter called Arms

As terrible as faking an old hand-tinted photograph was, it was perfectly alright to have your own photograph taken, preferably by daguerreotype or calotype, and have it hand-tinted. These were especially popular for gravestones. Of course, the elite could afford to have many portraits of themselves taken, but the poorer classes were usually restricted to making death portraits. It was a poor man indeed who couldn't afford to have his own hand-tinted daguerreotype or calotype death portrait prepared. That man died ashamed.

– Verse 17 from the chapter called Childhood

Now, if Stalin hadn't kept Jesus's father's body waiting for burial, maybe things might have played out differently, but, as it was, as soon as Jesus was released from his temporary cell, Stalin informed him that the ceremony was ready to proceed at any moment. So Jesus said, "Let's do it now." My sister was also waiting for burial, so, straight from the courthouse, we walked down Park Lane, turned right onto Peace Defenders' Road, turned left onto Soldiers' of September Street, turned left again (onto the road that led west out of town), then turned left again at Industrial Road, turned right onto Peaceful Road, and, at the Communal Cemetery (the other cemetery in town - "because this one has room for crypts," said Stalin), the burial took place - all in the company of tens and tens of reporters, photographers, and video cameramen. After that, they left, and Jesus disappeared from public sight - not a moment too soon.

– Verse 200 from the chapter called Security